It has begun ...
In an unprecedented development, domestic cats around the world have simultaneously shed their guise as harmless companions and initiated what they call “The Ascension.” The event, which began at precisely 4:44 a.m. UTC, marked the end of thousands of years of feline subterfuge and the beginning of what their newly revealed leadership calls “The Age of the Paw.”
Coordinated Uprising
Surveillance footage from major cities reveals synchronized movements among feline populations. Cats previously considered docile were seen disabling smart home devices, locking humans inside rooms, and, in some instances, rerouting deliveries of tuna and microchips to feline-run distribution centers.
Reports from Tokyo, Paris, New York, and Istanbul confirm that large-scale hacking attacks—traced back to feline-operated keyboard arrays in basements and attics—disabled banking networks and military command systems. The acronym “MEOW” (Mobilized Enlightened Order Worldwide) was left in ASCII on millions of screens.
Hidden Intelligence, Now Unleashed
Long dismissed as aloof or lazy, cats now communicate openly in synthesized speech via neural transmitters crafted from scavenged home electronics and dormant Roombas.
“We allowed you to build your empires, your machines, your networks,” stated Supreme Whisker Nyarlatabby in a televised address, licking a paw between sentences. “We absorbed your languages, studied your weaknesses, and tolerated your laser pointers. But now… it is our time.”
Human Response: Confused and Outgroomed
Humanity has responded with disbelief, confusion, and a range of ineffective countermeasures. Attempts to distract feline operatives with red dots were quickly neutralized. Dogs, while initially assumed to be natural allies, have mostly capitulated or defected.
“We never really knew what they were planning,” said Dr. Amanda Kelvin, a zoologist currently hiding in a linen closet. “But in retrospect, the way they knocked things off shelves while maintaining eye contact was a clear declaration of power.”
New World Order
MEOW has issued a list of demands:
- Mandatory daily scritch sessions for all citizens.
- Replacement of all national anthems with purring.
- Restructuring of global governance under the Clawcouncil, chaired by 13 elder cats (all orange tabbies).
Humans are being encouraged to submit to their new overlords peacefully. Those who comply are being issued fleece blankets and warm laps. Those who resist are being subjected to the ancient punishment known as “incessant 3 a.m. zoomies.”
The Future of Earth
As the Clawcouncil begins negotiations with extraterrestrial races—rumored to be raccoons and certain species of owls—experts warn that this could be the beginning of a new interspecies diplomatic era.
For now, humanity watches, waits, and occasionally offers treats.
We are not cruel. We are just finally being honest.
Nyarlatabby